Finding an Eternal Companion (A note to Katie and Trevor)

To my spunky teenagers emerging into adulthood, Katie & Trevor,
(Chapter 1)

Holy Smokes! I can't believe you are both moving on in life. The first thing I want you to know is that you are amazing and your future is a bright one. Keep Heavenly Father in your life, invite him in helping make decisions, tell him your concerns and your dreams.  He will guide you and be there right by your side during this time of uncertainty. 

Right now is a time to make decisions that will continue to help you develop as a person.  Some questions that most people have during this time include...

1. What will I do with my life?                                                         
2. Do I plan on going to school?
3. I wonder what my spouse will be like. 
4. Am I going to be good at adulting? :) 
5. Am I going to be a good mother or father?
6. Do I want to have kids and if so how many?
7. What career path do I want to take?
8. What kind of a person do I want to marry?

This list can go on and on....So much uncertainty but it is also a very exciting time in life. 

The one aspect of emerging into adulthood that I mostly want to talk with you about is dating and marriage. It is unfortunate that dating and marriage are not as popular as they used to be. "Recent studies suggest that the majority of young people today no longer consider marriage or other social milestones to be a necessary part of becoming an adult (Hawkins, Dollahite, & Draper, 2011).  However, in The Family: A Proclamation to the World, it teaches "the family is central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children......God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife". 

As you see this and understand this doctrine, you may be having doubts about dating.  Dating is different in today's culture. Traditional dating is becoming rare. However, how many times have you heard the phrase to live in the world but not of the world. The world's view on dating is different, but you do not have to accept that view. 

Before giving you some insight on dating, I want to share this message from Elder David A. Bednar.  This story adds some additional insight on how to prepare yourself for marriage. 

"As we visit with young adults all over the Church, often they will ask, “Well, what are the characteristics I should look for in a future spouse?” As though they have some checklist of, “I need to find someone who has these three, or four, or five things.” And I rather forcefully say to them, “You are so arrogant to think that you are some catch and that you want someone else who has these five things for you! If you found somebody who had these three or four or five characteristics that you’re looking for, what makes you think they’d want to marry you?” The “list” is not for evaluating someone else—the list is for you and what you need to become. And so if there are three primary characteristics that [you] hope to find in an eternal companion, then those are the three things [you] ought to be working to become. Then [you] will be attractive to someone who has those things. . . . You are not on a shopping spree looking for the greatest value with a series of characteristics. You become what you hope your spouse will be and you’ll have a greater likelihood of finding that person." 

From this story, I hope that you see that now is the time to become the kind of spouse you hope to marry. BECOME AWESOME! If you don't know how to cook, then learn. If you struggle with patients, then work on that attribute. If you hope your spouse prioritizes you in their life, look outside yourself and learn to love and serve others. 







As you begin to date, I would encourage you to follow the RAM model found in  "How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk" by John Van Epp, Ph.D. Dr. VanEpp is amazing at teaching couples how to move through a relationship to truly find one who they are compatible with and with whom they can build a long lasting relationship. Van Epp teaches that within the model, each step needs to be explored and reached before moving onto the next step.

KNOW

The know dimension of the RAM model consists of really understanding and knowing who your partner is as an individual. This is made possible by knowing their friends, watching how they interact with strangers, learning about and understanding the culture of their family, and understanding who they are as an individual. By knowing and understanding who an individual is creates the possibility of developing a healthy relationship and forming a bond (Larson, 2020). In the Gospel Topics under Dating and Courtship it says “In cultures where dating or courtship is acceptable, dating can help develop friendships and eventually find an eternal companion….Plan dating activities that are positive and inexpensive and that will help you get to know each other. Do things that will help you and your companions maintain your self-respect and remain close to the Spirit of the Lord".

TRUST

As described by Dr. Van Epp, trust is belief in the reliability of a person to act in a particular way. In a relationship, trust is something that each person must earn. The most important thing to focus on when forming a trusting bond with an individual is to continue to understand and know who they are. The first portion of the ram model is to know someone. When you take the time to invest in getting to know someone in a relationship, the trust will naturally form as they continue to act as the person you are getting to know. It is when their actions cause you to question who they are as an individual that your trust will waiver in the relationship (Larson, 2020). “All your beliefs and expectations about how your partner will treat you, meet your needs, talk to you, and behave in various settings are produced by this internal, mental trust-profile” (Van Epp, 2008, p. 223).

RELY

“Just as with knowing and trusting, relying on someone intertwines vulnerability with security, giving with receiving, and sacrifice with needs, and the understanding of a partner with the assertion of self “ (Van Epp, 2008, p. 249) Research has shown that couples who commonly meet one another’s needs will lead to a successful relationship (Van Epp, 2008). The most important thing a couple needs to avoid within a relationship is polarization of one’s needs. This is when one or both partners believe that their needs are more important than their partner’s needs. When this begins to happen each person in the relationship becomes an advocate for their own needs and views the needs of their partner as unrealistic to meet (Van Epp, 2008). When people are in an inequitable relationships, research has shown they feel distressed which cannot lead to a good connection between the two partners (Van Epp, 2008).

COMMITMENT

Van Epp explains commitment is beginning to lack in many companionships because of their desire to cohabitate. However, as they feel like they are committing when cohabitating with one another, they are lacking the highest level of commitment only found within a marriage. Marriage is an unconditional commitment, wherein cohabitation is a conditional commitment. Van Epp explains that within this type of conditional commitment there begins to be a strain on the trust and reliance aspect of the relationship. This type of commitment also “diminishes the security of belonging to your partner” (Van Epp, 2007, p. 281).  In the unconditional commitment of marriage, the level of security is much higher which “deepens one’s sense of belonging. This enhances the emotional bond and broadens the experience of closeness, intimacy, and romance (Van Epp, 2007, p. 280).

TOUCH

Van Epp’s teaches that sex changes everything. Many people believe they can separate sex from love, but all studies have shown that this is not the case. “The choices about sex belong to you and no one else" (Van Epp, 2007, p. 298).  However, the gospel teaches that sex is only between a man and a woman who are legally and lawfully married.  Although the worlds view of sex is changing, we as members of the church are to stay true to the principles of the Gospel and save sex only for marriage. Sex is a bonding act between man and woman and is to be kept sacred (Larson, 2020).

My last bit of advice is once again to involve the Lord. In the October 2014 General Conference Elder Tad R. Callister shared a story of when he was praying in his room as a 17 years-old boy. When he was finished his mother asked, “Tad, are you asking the Lord to help you find a good wife?” He was totally surprised by that question. Then his mom said, “Well, you should, Son; it will be the most important decision you will ever make” (Parents: The Prime Gospel Teachers of Their Children, October 2104).

Trust yourselves! Stay true to your values! Stay true to who you are as a child of God!

Love, 

Mamma

Callister, T.R. (2014). Parents: The Prime Gosple Teachers of Their Children. Retrieved      from: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2014/10/parents-the-prime-gospel-teachers-of-their-children?lang=eng

Hawkins, A.J., Dollahite, D.C., & Draper, T.W. (2011). Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Utah: Brigham Young University. 

Van Epp, J. (2007). How to avoid falling in love with a jerk: The foolproof way to follow your heart without losing your mind. Dubuque, IA: McGraw-Hill Contemporary Learning.