In the book, "The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work", Gottman states that there is one simple truth to a happy marriage, the fact that it based on a deep friendship. He goes on to say, "By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company. These couples tend to know each other intimately--they are well versed in each other's likes, and dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out." I love this simple truth, but I do ask myself how can married couples make sure this friendship lasts and how do they make it the number one priority when life is full of so many demands.
As a mother of seven children, owner of my own business, student, and Relief Society President of my ward, you can only imagine how many directions I am pulled in each day to complete all the tasks associated with each role. Although, I have many names in life (mom, teacher, sister, student), my number one important role/name in life is wife. I have found evidence in my own life that helps me understand when my bond with my husband is deep and connected, each of the different roles I play in life run a lot smoother. I find much value is taking time away from my children each week to connect with my husband on our weekly date nights. I find value in making sure all my work is completed throughout my day, so when he comes home, we can have opportunities to do to fun things as a family and with each other. I find value in planning my Relief Society duties around our family schedule instead of vice versa. It would be very easy for me to fall into a trap of saying I am too busy or tired to connect, but I find no value in that.
Recently with school starting and finding that my responsibilities in other parts of my life are increasing, my husband and I sat down and talked about a time each day we can be with each other. Both of us have had tight schedules and even though we still make date night a priority each week, we were missing out on connecting daily with each other. We committed to waking up each morning at 5 AM and exercising together. At first, I was not too thrilled with this choice, but I knew I needed more time alone with him to deepen our friendship.
What a wonderful blessing this simple change has made in our relationship. This time together has brought about many conversations that have really impacted our relationship lately. I am so grateful I have made this change within our marriage. Other simple changes have included sitting my each other at church by not allowing our babies to separate us. We also make sure we go to bed at the same time together to have a few minutes at the end of the day to continue to talk and laugh about our day. This connection has made us more in tune to each other’s needs as we carry on with our other roles in life. It has deepened our romance and connection in ways I didn't even know we needed in our marriage. Friendship is a necessity within a marriage to create an eternal bond. Gottman states, "Friendship fuels the flames of romance". I couldn't say it better myself.
Gottman, J.M, Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York. Harmony Books.
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