Week 9 Managing Conflict

When you put two people together that come from different family values, have their own unique personality, and different life values, they are bound to have conflict about how life should be lived. In his book After the Honeymoon, Dan While says, "When choosing a long-term partner....you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you'll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years." The way in which a couple manages these conflicts plays a significant role in a successful relationship versus a relationship that is doomed.

In his book The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work, Gottman states four keys in managing conflict.

1. Negative emotions play an important role in helping a couple learn to love each other better. Sometimes it is hard when the negative emotion is directed at you, as the spouse, but by listening to this negative emotion you can learn to develop compassion and understanding towards your spouse. The important thing is to "express your negative emotion in a way that allows each other to listen without feeling attacked so the message gets through in a manner that encourages healing rather than more hurt" (Gottman).

2. When managing conflict it is important to understand that no one is right. The way your spouse sees something verses how you see something is simply perception. Neither one of you has the ability to see everything as perfect, so it is necessary to realize that neither one of you is right. You simply need to work on finding the right way to communicate and solve the conflict for both of you together.

3. It is important to show acceptance to your partner. "It is virtually impossible for people to heed advice unless they believe the other person understands, respects, and accepts them for who they are" (Gottman). If there is ever an issue with something your spouse is doing find a way to show appreciation and acceptance before asking for a change. If your spouse feels loved and appreciated, they will feel better about things you ask them to change.

4. It is so important to "focus on fondness and admiration (Gottman)" . So many little things can get in the way of a happy marriage, but when you, as a couple, focus on the good things, these little things will have little to no impact. Some of your partners faults are what make up the person you love, so focus on loving and accepting all of them.

As I've studied these four things and thought about my own marriage, I can see how we have changed how we have managed conflict for the better. When we first got married it was difficult to know how to work passed our problems. A lot of the time I would just get angry and ignore him for a day or two and then realize how silly I was being and finally apologize. I could see this was not the way to keeping our marriage healthy and alive. Through a lot of trial and error we have learned better ways to manage our conflict and rarely have difficulty now.

I used to be so bad at accepting negative emotion. I always felt attacked and that I wasn't being a good wife. I've learned that I am not perfect. My husband has learned how to talk to me about his negative emotions in such a way that I am more understanding and willing to change.

The biggest factor in our managing of conflict has been our fondness and admiration for each other. The little things just don't matter anymore. They have become the joke of our relationship and we are able to laugh at the things that drive us crazy at the same time. Focusing on the good things has become much easier as we have learned about each other and developed a true love for each other.

Conflict will happen in the happiest of couples. It simply takes these four keys to help manage the conflict in a healthy way that allows growth in the relationship. So the next time, a conflict arises pay attention to your behavior and focus on these four keys to see if it makes a difference. The change may not occur right away, but the more consistent you are with managing conflict in this way, the easier it will become.