Ugh....Chores! Why must we work? (A note to all my kids)

Dear Kiddos,
(Chapter 21)

Often times we have much to do around the house. There is always work to be done. Sometimes it can be overwhelming and sometimes it can just be annoying. We don't always want to work and do chores, but something I love about you guys is how you are always willing to participate in our family work. AND most of the time, it is with a joyful attitude. Never do you question why we have chores or why we must do work, but I'd like to share some quotes about family work to help you understand what we are experiencing as a family with high hopes that you teach this same work ethic to your children in your future families. 

" Family work provides endless opportunities to recognize and fill others’ needs. It thus teaches us to love and serve one another, inviting us to be like Jesus Christ" (Hawkins, Dollahite, & Draper, 2011). 

"When family members work together in the right spirit, a foundation of caring and commitment grows out of their shared experience. The most ordinary tasks, like fixing meals or doing laundry, hold great potential for connecting us to those we serve and with whom we serve" (Hawkins, Dollahite, & Draper, 2011).

"The daily work of feeding, clothing, and sheltering others has the power to transform us spiritually as we transform others physically" (Hawkins, Dollahite, & Draper, 2011).

"Family work is a lifelong opportunity, essential to the process of becoming like our heavenly parents" (Hawkins, Dollahite, & Draper, 2011). 

What WONDERFUL blessings come from family work. However, I will say this. Teaching young children to work can be very difficult. Often times it would have been easier to just do all the work myself while you guys were off playing. But I knew as your mother I needed you to learn the value of not only working, but working TOGETHER as a FAMILY. 

To help you stay strong in your efforts of teaching family work, I'd like to share some tips I read in an article called Family Work by Kathleen Bahr and Cheri Loveless. 

1.     Tilling the Soil: We must learn work together. This provides opportunities for us to learn lessons of life as well as provide opportunities for bonding experiences.

2.   Exemplifying the Attitudes we want our children to have: Not only must we learn to work, we must learn to like to work. If we display a bad attitude about working, our children will pick up on this and have the same attitude. We need to teach them that work can be enjoyed.

3.   Refusing technology that interferes with togetherness: There are so many things out there that can do the work for us, but by taking advantage of every machine we are missing out on opportunities to work together. Making a home cooked meal vs. heating up a premade dinner takes more time. If the family is cooking together, this provides time for families to bond and serve each other.

4.    Insisting gently that children can help: Most of the time the work is done easier when you don’t involve a child, but if I, as the mom, do everything how will my children learn? Also, when I am teaching them this provides another opportunity of bonding together. It is important for children to help with family chores as well as their own. When they do family chores, they are learning the skill of serving others.

5.   Avoiding a Business mentality at home: When teaching our children to work together allow opportunities for play. It doesn’t have to be so rigid that no fun can be had.

6.   Work side by Side with your children: Working side by side with each other provides time to be together, to have conversations, to laugh, to play. So much can happen when our children are folding laundry with us or making dinner with us. If we simply give them the chores to do and leave, we are missing out on that time with our children. 

When the times get tough and it will get tough, I promise if you stick to it and continue to teach your children, it will all pay off in the end in bringing your family closer together by working together.  Thank you for all your efforts in working in our home. It is because of  our organized efforts of working together as a family that our house is a "house of a prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God" D&C 109:8.  I couldn't have done any of it without our joint efforts as a family. 

                                                                                        Love, 

                                                                                        Mamma 

Bahr, K.S., & Loveless, C.A. (2000). Family Work. BYU Magazine. 

Hawkins, A.J., Dollahite, D.C., & Draper, T.W. (2011). Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Utah: Brigham Young University.

Enjoying the Journey of Motherhood (A note to myself and all mothers and future mothers out there)

Dear Me,
(Chapter 12)

When I was younger and people would ask me what I wanted to do when I grew up, I would always say "All I want is to be a mother, barefoot and pregnant!"  It has always been something that I wanted in life and I was so excited when I finally became a mother. It is something that I am very proud of and would never change for the world. However, it is also one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It is crazy to believe that such a rewarding job can also cause conflicts of feeling exhausted and frustrated and sometimes a little lost in knowing what to do.

 "Research on motherhood has consistently revealed that motherhood is full of “dialectical tensions." Mothers will feel profound joy and meaning in loving and caring for children and at the same time an immense burden of responsibility. Mothers naturally filled with great love for their children face the relentless tasks of identifying and responding to each child’s needs while fostering each child’s development.The amount of energy exerted in the process can tax the physical stamina of any mother, leading her to struggle emotionally as well as physically. Mothers may come to feel that the reality of their experience as mothers is dramatically different than their idealization of what motherhood would be like" (Hawkins, Dollahite, & Draper, 2011).

Nobody gives you a rule book on how to be a perfect mother, but can I just say it is because a perfect mother doesn't exist.

Although society tries to degrade the job of motherhood, I know it is the most important job I will ever have. "A First Presidency statement in 1942 declared:

“Motherhood is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind. It places her who honors its holy calling and service next to the angels”. President Spencer W. Kimball said "Mothers have a sacred role. They are partners with God, as well as with their own husbands, first in giving birth to the Lord’s spirit children, and then in rearing those children so they will serve the Lord and keep his commandments"(Hawkins, Dollahite, & Draper, 2011).

It is because I understand the importance of this calling, that I also understand why it is so important to take care of myself as an individual.

"Mothers who are feeling exhausted and stressed are less likely to feel they are able to mother the way they think would be best. They must be nurtured in order to be able to nurture those to whom they are consecrated" (Hawkins, Dollahite, & Draper, 2011).

To go along with this concept of self-care, I'd like to share a quick story out of the book Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey.

Suppose you were to come upon someone in the woods working feverishly to saw down a tree.
"What are you doing?" you ask.
"Can't you see?" come the impatient reply. "I'm sawing down this tree."
"You look exhausted! you exclaim. "How long have you been at it?"
"Over five house," she returns, "and I'm beat! This is hard work."
Well, why don't you take a break for a few minutes and sharpen that saw?" you inquire. "I'm sure it would go a lot faster."
"I don't have time to sharpen the saw." that woman says emphatically.
"I'm too busy sawing!"

As moms how often are we too busy sawing down the tree that we don't stop to sharpen the ax? Habit 7 in this amazing book is to sharpen the saw.  "It is critical that mothers care for themselves and nurture their own minds, hearts, and bodies as they consecrate their minds, hearts, and bodies to mothering" (Hawkins, Dollahite, & Draper, 2011). As mothers, especially, we give and give and give!!!!  It is extremely necessary for us to recognize the importance of taking time regularly for ourselves.

Covey teaches four areas of life that when given the time and investment, we can increase a feeling of balance and care in our lives.

PHYSICAL DIMENSION
This dimension involves caring for our physical body-eating the right kids of foods, getting sufficient rest and relaxation, and exercising on a regular basis (Covey, 2004).  Most people feel they do not have time to exercise but all it takes is 30 minutes a day of doing some type of activity that helps build endurance, flexibility, and strength. "The essence of renewing the physical dimension  is to exercise our bodies on a regular basis in a way that will preserve and enhance our capacity to work and adapt and enjoy" (Covey, 2004).  

MENTAL DIMENSION
Elder Ballard says this perfectly, "Pick one or two things that you would like to learn or do that will enrich your life, and make time for them." It is sad that most of our learning comes through formal education and as soon as we leave the external discipline of school, we let our minds atrophy (Covey, 2004).  Elder Hales encourages mother's to take the opportunity to continue to learn through motherhood, "Motherhood is the ideal opportunity for lifelong learning. A mother’s learning grows as she nurtures the child in his or her development years" (Hawkins, Dollahite, & Draper, 2011).  

EMOTIONAL DIMENSION
Our emotional life is primarily developed out of and manifested in our relationships with others. Mothers especially need to find time to connect with others, especially other adults. My favorite connection happens to be with my husband on our weekly date nights. Often times we go with other couples which increases my circle of emotional support. This dimension can also be done in our everyday normal lives as we interact with those around us. 

SPIRITUAL DIMENSION
"A recent study of a large sample of Latter-day Saint parents found that a mother’s private religious behaviors—including fasting, personal prayer, scripture study, study of other religious materials, and thinking about religion—were a more significant influence on the quality of her parenting than the family’s religious behaviors. Mothers who spent more time in these activities were more likely to feel close to their children and to be effective in providing warmth, love, and support, while setting clear and appropriate boundaries and expectations" (Hawkins, Dollahite, & Draper, 2011).

Practicing self care can be very difficult when you are a mother. As mother's we play many roles in life.

However, it is so important to make yourself a priority.  REMEMBER.....

"Water cannot be drawn from an empty well, and if you are not setting aside a little time for what replenishes you, you will have less and less to give to others, even to your children"
(Hawkins, Dollahite, & Draper, 2011).

As I have briefly touched on each area, I would encourage myself and all other moms out there to set a goal in each area and to make us a priority in our life so we can be the best version of ourselves for our families.

                                                                             Love,
                                                                             ME


Covey, S. R. (2004). The 7 habits of highly effective people: Restoring the character ethic ([Rev. ed.].). New York: Free Press

Hawkins, A.J., Dollahite, D.C., & Draper, T.W. (2011). Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Utah: Brigham Young University.

To the Best Dad I could ever ask for for my children (A note to Landon)

To my babies' daddy, 

(Chapter 13)

I am so excited to write this note to you mostly because I get to share some amazing examples of how you are such a great dad, but also because it gives me the opportunity to say THANK YOU for helping me create this family. 

Harold B Lee once said, "The most important of the Lord's work you and I will ever do with be within the walls of your own home".  You demonstrate this everyday by making us your number one priority and by showing us each day how much you love all of us and would do anything for each and every one of us. You are an amazing example to our children and a dynamite dad! 

In the Proclamation it says, "By divine design, fathers are to PRESIDE over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to PROVIDE the necessities of life and PROTECTION for their families.....in these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners".  

To PRESIDE

"Fathers who embrace the principle that fathering means “to preside . . . in love and righteousness” have an anchoring principle and a spiritual focus for their fathering efforts designed to bless the children and families they love"

When I hear the word preside, I think of a spiritual leader. You have always made the gospel a priority in your life which as then allowed you to lead our family in righteousness. I love how you and I work as a team in bringing our family together for family prayer and family scripture study. Together we have created an environment in our home which allows the spirit to dwell.

To PROVIDE

"To provide in fathering is to assume the stewardship of meeting children’s needs and offering opportunities for their development, as well as dedicating one’s time, energy, and resources for the benefit of the next generation"

As a provider, you have always made sure our physical needs are taken care of. However, my most favorite way you provide for our family is by giving our children opportunities to learn. Often times I see you taking the time to teach our children even at a very small age. Sometimes I think they might even be too small to understand, but you are always willing to be patient and provide them with a learning opportunity. 

To PROTECT

"One definition of protecting in fathering might be to arouse one’s sense of responsibility and actively work to ensure that children avoid risks or personal harm by modeling positive behaviors, mentoring children in personal abilities, and monitoring their behaviors and environments"

When I think of how a father can protect his family, my thoughts go to what is taught in the home. You have always worked hard at teaching our children about the responsibilities of life. You have always been a good example in setting high standards in our home and teaching good moral values. As we continue to teach our children the gospel of Jesus Christ, we are offering protection from Satan and hopefully helping them to avoid the negative consequences that come from sin. 

I love you! I love that I have a righteous loving man in my home that presides, provides and protects my family. I feel very blessed to have met you 27 years ago and look forward to the rest of eternity together with you.

Love, Melissa

Hawkins, A.J., Dollahite, D.C., & Draper, T.W. (2011). Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Utah: Brigham Young University.

Finding an Eternal Companion (A note to Katie and Trevor)

To my spunky teenagers emerging into adulthood, Katie & Trevor,
(Chapter 1)

Holy Smokes! I can't believe you are both moving on in life. The first thing I want you to know is that you are amazing and your future is a bright one. Keep Heavenly Father in your life, invite him in helping make decisions, tell him your concerns and your dreams.  He will guide you and be there right by your side during this time of uncertainty. 

Right now is a time to make decisions that will continue to help you develop as a person.  Some questions that most people have during this time include...

1. What will I do with my life?                                                         
2. Do I plan on going to school?
3. I wonder what my spouse will be like. 
4. Am I going to be good at adulting? :) 
5. Am I going to be a good mother or father?
6. Do I want to have kids and if so how many?
7. What career path do I want to take?
8. What kind of a person do I want to marry?

This list can go on and on....So much uncertainty but it is also a very exciting time in life. 

The one aspect of emerging into adulthood that I mostly want to talk with you about is dating and marriage. It is unfortunate that dating and marriage are not as popular as they used to be. "Recent studies suggest that the majority of young people today no longer consider marriage or other social milestones to be a necessary part of becoming an adult (Hawkins, Dollahite, & Draper, 2011).  However, in The Family: A Proclamation to the World, it teaches "the family is central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children......God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife". 

As you see this and understand this doctrine, you may be having doubts about dating.  Dating is different in today's culture. Traditional dating is becoming rare. However, how many times have you heard the phrase to live in the world but not of the world. The world's view on dating is different, but you do not have to accept that view. 

Before giving you some insight on dating, I want to share this message from Elder David A. Bednar.  This story adds some additional insight on how to prepare yourself for marriage. 

"As we visit with young adults all over the Church, often they will ask, “Well, what are the characteristics I should look for in a future spouse?” As though they have some checklist of, “I need to find someone who has these three, or four, or five things.” And I rather forcefully say to them, “You are so arrogant to think that you are some catch and that you want someone else who has these five things for you! If you found somebody who had these three or four or five characteristics that you’re looking for, what makes you think they’d want to marry you?” The “list” is not for evaluating someone else—the list is for you and what you need to become. And so if there are three primary characteristics that [you] hope to find in an eternal companion, then those are the three things [you] ought to be working to become. Then [you] will be attractive to someone who has those things. . . . You are not on a shopping spree looking for the greatest value with a series of characteristics. You become what you hope your spouse will be and you’ll have a greater likelihood of finding that person." 

From this story, I hope that you see that now is the time to become the kind of spouse you hope to marry. BECOME AWESOME! If you don't know how to cook, then learn. If you struggle with patients, then work on that attribute. If you hope your spouse prioritizes you in their life, look outside yourself and learn to love and serve others. 







As you begin to date, I would encourage you to follow the RAM model found in  "How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk" by John Van Epp, Ph.D. Dr. VanEpp is amazing at teaching couples how to move through a relationship to truly find one who they are compatible with and with whom they can build a long lasting relationship. Van Epp teaches that within the model, each step needs to be explored and reached before moving onto the next step.

KNOW

The know dimension of the RAM model consists of really understanding and knowing who your partner is as an individual. This is made possible by knowing their friends, watching how they interact with strangers, learning about and understanding the culture of their family, and understanding who they are as an individual. By knowing and understanding who an individual is creates the possibility of developing a healthy relationship and forming a bond (Larson, 2020). In the Gospel Topics under Dating and Courtship it says “In cultures where dating or courtship is acceptable, dating can help develop friendships and eventually find an eternal companion….Plan dating activities that are positive and inexpensive and that will help you get to know each other. Do things that will help you and your companions maintain your self-respect and remain close to the Spirit of the Lord".

TRUST

As described by Dr. Van Epp, trust is belief in the reliability of a person to act in a particular way. In a relationship, trust is something that each person must earn. The most important thing to focus on when forming a trusting bond with an individual is to continue to understand and know who they are. The first portion of the ram model is to know someone. When you take the time to invest in getting to know someone in a relationship, the trust will naturally form as they continue to act as the person you are getting to know. It is when their actions cause you to question who they are as an individual that your trust will waiver in the relationship (Larson, 2020). “All your beliefs and expectations about how your partner will treat you, meet your needs, talk to you, and behave in various settings are produced by this internal, mental trust-profile” (Van Epp, 2008, p. 223).

RELY

“Just as with knowing and trusting, relying on someone intertwines vulnerability with security, giving with receiving, and sacrifice with needs, and the understanding of a partner with the assertion of self “ (Van Epp, 2008, p. 249) Research has shown that couples who commonly meet one another’s needs will lead to a successful relationship (Van Epp, 2008). The most important thing a couple needs to avoid within a relationship is polarization of one’s needs. This is when one or both partners believe that their needs are more important than their partner’s needs. When this begins to happen each person in the relationship becomes an advocate for their own needs and views the needs of their partner as unrealistic to meet (Van Epp, 2008). When people are in an inequitable relationships, research has shown they feel distressed which cannot lead to a good connection between the two partners (Van Epp, 2008).

COMMITMENT

Van Epp explains commitment is beginning to lack in many companionships because of their desire to cohabitate. However, as they feel like they are committing when cohabitating with one another, they are lacking the highest level of commitment only found within a marriage. Marriage is an unconditional commitment, wherein cohabitation is a conditional commitment. Van Epp explains that within this type of conditional commitment there begins to be a strain on the trust and reliance aspect of the relationship. This type of commitment also “diminishes the security of belonging to your partner” (Van Epp, 2007, p. 281).  In the unconditional commitment of marriage, the level of security is much higher which “deepens one’s sense of belonging. This enhances the emotional bond and broadens the experience of closeness, intimacy, and romance (Van Epp, 2007, p. 280).

TOUCH

Van Epp’s teaches that sex changes everything. Many people believe they can separate sex from love, but all studies have shown that this is not the case. “The choices about sex belong to you and no one else" (Van Epp, 2007, p. 298).  However, the gospel teaches that sex is only between a man and a woman who are legally and lawfully married.  Although the worlds view of sex is changing, we as members of the church are to stay true to the principles of the Gospel and save sex only for marriage. Sex is a bonding act between man and woman and is to be kept sacred (Larson, 2020).

My last bit of advice is once again to involve the Lord. In the October 2014 General Conference Elder Tad R. Callister shared a story of when he was praying in his room as a 17 years-old boy. When he was finished his mother asked, “Tad, are you asking the Lord to help you find a good wife?” He was totally surprised by that question. Then his mom said, “Well, you should, Son; it will be the most important decision you will ever make” (Parents: The Prime Gospel Teachers of Their Children, October 2104).

Trust yourselves! Stay true to your values! Stay true to who you are as a child of God!

Love, 

Mamma

Callister, T.R. (2014). Parents: The Prime Gosple Teachers of Their Children. Retrieved      from: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2014/10/parents-the-prime-gospel-teachers-of-their-children?lang=eng

Hawkins, A.J., Dollahite, D.C., & Draper, T.W. (2011). Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Utah: Brigham Young University. 

Van Epp, J. (2007). How to avoid falling in love with a jerk: The foolproof way to follow your heart without losing your mind. Dubuque, IA: McGraw-Hill Contemporary Learning.