Loving your In-laws

July 14, 2018 my first daughter got married and I became a mother-in-law. Something I've been nervous about almost my whole life because of the bad stigma society gives it. I don't want to be the person that someone hates being around or makes jokes about. Being a mother is all I've every wanted in life, so having my children marry someone that doesn't like me might break my heart. I feel extremely blessed because all I can say is that so far, it has been the best experience ever.

I told my husband it is amazing to me how when my son-in-law married my daughter, I had an instant love for him, just as if he were my own son. In the article, Creating Healthy Ties With In-laws and Extended Families it says, "Children-in-law will bring new perspectives into the family, and the family can learn from these differences and be complemented by them". As this is our first added member to our family, I have loved watching him become part of our family. I have loved how he has embraced our loudness and become part of the crew. His family is very different from ours. He is from a family of two children and his parents are now empty-nesters. Our family has seven children, and my daughter, Isabel, was the first to leave home. We still have a lot of chaos in our lives and instead of being turned off by it, he joins in the fun.

The most interesting thing about my son-in-law is he is not someone I would've picked for my daughter. In fact I was a bit surprised even when she told me about him. She had mentioned that he had a tattoo, didn't serve a mission for the church, and she wasn't sure if he was active. Instead of automatically casting judgment on his description and encouraging her to not date him, I told her that now was the time she had to start making her own choices. Her dad and I had done our job of teaching her about the gospel of Jesus Christ and she needed to decide for herself what she wanted out of life. They ended up going out on a date and nine months later were married in the St. George Temple. "Parents should find numerous ways to give messages that they trust the child's judgment and see him or her fully capable of building a good marriage".

When they were married, the message shared during their ceremony was a message of creating their own family. They were no longer a part of the Larson family or the Wilson family, they were the Alex and Isabel family. It has been a wonderful experience to watch them create their own family. Alex is Isabel's biggest cheerleader in life, and I love watching him love her. Our family has found our place in helping them develop their own identity as a couple but at the same time have enjoyed welcoming him into our extended family unit. "Strong marriages are built by what couples choose to do once they are married and by what parents and siblings on both sides do to help support them".

Week 12 Family Councils

One of my most favorite talks in General Conference was given by Elder M. Russell Ballard called "Family Councils". This talk helped build my testimony of the importance of holding regular family councils.

"Councils are the Lord's way, and he created all things in the universe through a heavenly council". What a wonderful opportunity to follow the Lord's example in creating our family units here on earth and creating an eternal companionship within the family and home. Family councils provide many opportunities to unite as a family in solving problems, brainstorming ideas of family time together, and creating a safe environment of love and acceptance. "A family council that is patterned after the councils in heaven, filled with Christlike love, and guided by the Lord's Spirit will help us to protect our family from distractions that can steal our precious time together and protect us from the evils of the world" (Ballard).

I remember a very heartfelt council once held in our family. Our daughter had been struggling with feelings of loss and despair and wasn't feeling safe. She was feeling very alone and wasn't quite sure what to do about it. She came and talk with me and her dad and we asked if we could bring this topic up in our next family council. She agreed to the idea. It was amazing to watch her brothers and sister surround her with love. They helped her come up with solutions that might help her and talked about how they could be her safe place if she was afraid. It was the most tender moment between all of my children. This opportunity would've been missed out on if my husband and I handled this situation by ourselves. But we knew we were not enough and needed to reach out to our other children to help our daughter. "Siblings can be mentors to you children if parents will use the family council to enlist their help and support during times of difficulty and duress" (Ballard).

In our family, we like to set aside the first Sunday of each month to meet as a family and discuss any problems that may be occurring as well as look at the calendar for the month. This has opened up the waves of communication and has helped to deepen our relationships as we talk about things going on in our lives. We have not done this, but I love the idea of going around the room and expressing love and gratitude for each member of the family. What a great time to focus on each individual and express what that individual contributes to the family.

One other council I love is the one on one council with my children. This council often happens in the car when we are driving. I like to turn the radio off and just talk with them. I find that because the environment is a little less formal and stress free, they can open up and talk with me about what is going in their lives. These moments have provided special moments of bonding both spiritually and emotionally.

If you are holding family councils with your families, that is wonderful. I encourage you to read this talk and see if any changes need to be made to deepen the significance of the council within your family. If you have yet to start holding regular family councils, I invite you to do so. Read this talk with an open mind and try to discover how your family council might look for your family.

"There was a time when the walls of our homes provided all the defense we needed against outside intrusions and influences. Those days are now gone. Fortunately, the Lord has provided a way to counter the invasion of negative technology that can distract us from spending quality time with each other. He has done this by providing the council system to strengthen, protect, safeguard, and nurture our most precious relationships (Ballard).

Ballard, M. Russell. Family Council. General Conference April 2016.

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2016/04/family-councils?lang=chk

Week 11 Sexual Intimacy

As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, we are taught that sexual intimacy between a man and a woman should be reserved for those who are legally and lawfully wedded as husband and wife. We are taught that sexual intimacy is sacred. We are taught as children of God the importance of obeying the law of chastity. We are also taught that once we are married, sex is to be enjoyed and is to help bring couples together in a more spiritual, intimate, physical way. "Sexuality is a beautiful power given to mankind from God" (Barlow).

Unfortunately, because many parents are embarrassed to talk about sex with their children, many people do not fully understand the beautiful opportunities it can create to bring couples closer together. Also, in an effort to help teach the law of chastity to their children, parents only focus on the negative consequences of impurity. "Some people still believe that sexual intimacy is a necessary evil by which we have children" (Barlow). Because of these feelings and false ideas, many couples experience a lot of heartache when it comes to sexual intimacy and lack the know how of how to fix this problem. I believe there are three things that can fix any couples problem when it comes to sexual intimacy.

1. 100% pure honest open communication: Couples cannot be scared to talk about sex with one another. Most couples believe that sexual intimacy should just come naturally and there is no need for communication. However, just like any other matter in a marital relationship, sexual intimacy needs to be discussed. "To be able to know each other physically, couples need to talk together about the physical dimensions of their relationship" (Barlow).

2. Make time for each other: In the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Goddard talks about the magic of six hours. As he studied many couples, he found that those marriages that continued to improve had one thing in common, the magic of spending an extra six hours a week with each other. Many couples believe that there is no way to spend an extra six hours together each week, but small amounts of time add up. Couples "need to a have time together to share ideas, to grow and learn together, and to experience joy together" (Barlow). Look at how much time you spend together parting ways each day, showing affection, reuniting at the end of a long day at work, planning date nights, etc. All these moments add to more time of building love and admiration for each other which has the potential of spilling over into the sexual intimacy part of a relationship.

3. Schedule time for sexual intimacy: I know, I know! Many people believe that scheduling a "sex" night takes away from it, but I promise it does not. Life can continue to get in the way! Work, children, chores and tasks around the house will continue to make us tired and can get in the way of couples having time for sexual intimacy. However, if a couple takes the time to schedule sexual intimacy into their relationship, this will give them time to prepare and get excited for the time they get to spend together. Maybe sneak in a nap to make sure you are not tired, plan a sexy activity to do together to help get in the right mind set, include some back and forth foreplay through text messages. So much can be done when the time is scheduled and planned out for a couple to be together that can enhance the experience for both the husband and wife.

The bottom line is healthy sexual intimacy is crucial to having a happy healthy marriage and just like anything else in a marriage it takes work!

"Sex should be a celebration. It comes from God. He created our sexual appetites and natures. He has ordained us to make love both physically and spiritually. He is pleased when He sees us bonded together sexually, in love, for this is the plan of creation. And this plan permits the husband and wife to jointly participate in creating new life and, in a sense, perpetuate part of themselves into eternity through their children. The sexual embrace should never be a chore or a duty, but a loving part of a larger relationship. Of giving to our partner, cherishing, respecting, protecting each other. It won't always be easy. But the rewards can be incredibly great if we choose to make them so.” (How to Make a Good Marriage Great, 1987, p. 39)

Barlow, B. A. "They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on intimacy in marriage." Ensign, Sept 1986, 49.

Gottman, J.M. 1999. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Harmony Books.

Cline, V.1987. How to Make a Good Marriage Great. Bookcraft

Week 10 Looking past the Dirty Socks

Having a messy house causes me stress and anxiety and is very difficult for me to handle. My husband on the other hand is not bothered by the mess. He tends to leave things out and is comfortable with taking his socks off right before bed and throwing them on the floor. He used to do this every night before we would go to bed. I would wake up every morning ready to make the bed and his socks were always there for me. Boy did those socks make me mad every morning! Until one morning they weren't there. He had been deployed to Iraq and left the night before for 18 months. I remember that first morning when I woke up sad and scared, and then I walked around to his side of the bed and his socks weren't there! I cried, and cried, and cried. I wanted his socks there more than anything at that moment. I later shared this story with him, and he laughed because he didn't even realize his socks upset me like that. I promised him that things like that wouldn't bother me ever again!

Of course time has gone on and I still get upset about things, but one things those missing socks meant was his absence in my home and in my daily living. It was at that moment that I will never forget my heart changed. I looked past his dirty socks being on my floor and realized that his presence was more important.

Being married can be difficult, however there are many things we can do to help choose our level of difficulty. In the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, PH. D., he "guides couples on a path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship". He teaches couples how to focus on each other. He teaches that creating moments to build fondness and admiration for each other lead to a successful marriage. Where as looking for each other's dirty socks will cause feelings of contention and separation. He also teaches that conflict within a marriage is very normal, but how it is handled will make a big difference in creating a happy marriage.

As I read this book, the image of those dirty socks on the floor make me laugh. What a silly petty thing to be upset about and what is even funnier is the fact that I never brought them to my husband's attention. I just decided to be mad every morning. That moment they weren't there, taught me a lot about how much I love everything about my husband, the good, the bad, and the ugly!

This memory is what gets me through the hard times. This memory helps me understand that I can choose the level of difficulty in my marriage. I can choose to look for things to bother me and allow them to fester or I can look for the good things. I can communicate with my husband. I can build my relationship and allow our love to grow.

I am so grateful for the lesson those dirty socks taught me and have continued to teach me during my 20 years of being married. I loved Gottman's book and the seven principles it taught. I believe if these seven principles are used in a marriage, any love can be successful.

Week 9 Managing Conflict

When you put two people together that come from different family values, have their own unique personality, and different life values, they are bound to have conflict about how life should be lived. In his book After the Honeymoon, Dan While says, "When choosing a long-term partner....you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you'll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years." The way in which a couple manages these conflicts plays a significant role in a successful relationship versus a relationship that is doomed.

In his book The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work, Gottman states four keys in managing conflict.

1. Negative emotions play an important role in helping a couple learn to love each other better. Sometimes it is hard when the negative emotion is directed at you, as the spouse, but by listening to this negative emotion you can learn to develop compassion and understanding towards your spouse. The important thing is to "express your negative emotion in a way that allows each other to listen without feeling attacked so the message gets through in a manner that encourages healing rather than more hurt" (Gottman).

2. When managing conflict it is important to understand that no one is right. The way your spouse sees something verses how you see something is simply perception. Neither one of you has the ability to see everything as perfect, so it is necessary to realize that neither one of you is right. You simply need to work on finding the right way to communicate and solve the conflict for both of you together.

3. It is important to show acceptance to your partner. "It is virtually impossible for people to heed advice unless they believe the other person understands, respects, and accepts them for who they are" (Gottman). If there is ever an issue with something your spouse is doing find a way to show appreciation and acceptance before asking for a change. If your spouse feels loved and appreciated, they will feel better about things you ask them to change.

4. It is so important to "focus on fondness and admiration (Gottman)" . So many little things can get in the way of a happy marriage, but when you, as a couple, focus on the good things, these little things will have little to no impact. Some of your partners faults are what make up the person you love, so focus on loving and accepting all of them.

As I've studied these four things and thought about my own marriage, I can see how we have changed how we have managed conflict for the better. When we first got married it was difficult to know how to work passed our problems. A lot of the time I would just get angry and ignore him for a day or two and then realize how silly I was being and finally apologize. I could see this was not the way to keeping our marriage healthy and alive. Through a lot of trial and error we have learned better ways to manage our conflict and rarely have difficulty now.

I used to be so bad at accepting negative emotion. I always felt attacked and that I wasn't being a good wife. I've learned that I am not perfect. My husband has learned how to talk to me about his negative emotions in such a way that I am more understanding and willing to change.

The biggest factor in our managing of conflict has been our fondness and admiration for each other. The little things just don't matter anymore. They have become the joke of our relationship and we are able to laugh at the things that drive us crazy at the same time. Focusing on the good things has become much easier as we have learned about each other and developed a true love for each other.

Conflict will happen in the happiest of couples. It simply takes these four keys to help manage the conflict in a healthy way that allows growth in the relationship. So the next time, a conflict arises pay attention to your behavior and focus on these four keys to see if it makes a difference. The change may not occur right away, but the more consistent you are with managing conflict in this way, the easier it will become.

Week 8 Beware of Pride

In the talk, "Beware of Pride", President Benson says, "The central feature of pride is enmity-enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means "hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition." It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us." As I read this statement and think about the effects pride can have on a marriage, I see how it can have devastating lasting results to a successful marriage. Any marriage that uses the word hatred when describing some of the feelings involved is not a marriage of eternal love. Because of this, Satan uses pride as a tool to destroy a marriage which in turn can destroy a family.

Satan allowed pride to destroy his relationship with his Father when he rebelled in the pre-existence. He himself wanted all the power and recognition taking it away from God. "His prideful desire was to dethrone God" (Benson, 1989). As we allow ourselves to be prideful in our marriages, we are no different from Satan. We are not looking for ways to walk side by side in this journey of life. We are not looking to find ways to better communicate our needs and wants in a loving, patient way or trying to learn about our spouses needs and wants. We are definitely not looking for ways to show love and appreciation for our spouse.

However, we are looking for opportunities to show our spouse when they have done something wrong, or holding grudges, or complaining about our relationships. We are putting our needs above our spouses. "Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. "How everything affects me" is the center of all that matters (Benson, 1989) We are walking one step ahead of our spouse to show that we are the ruler in the relationship in hoping to receive recognition over our spouse. Unfortunately as we allow ourselves to live our lives in this foolish way we are being overtaken by the power of Satan and inviting him into our relationships. This is a recipe for disaster!

The only way to counteract these feelings of pride is to humble ourselves before God and our spouse. "The antidote for pride is humility-meekness, and submissiveness. It is the broken heart and contrite spirit" (Benson, 1989). We must recognize that pride is a sin that affects all people, including ourselves. To be humble takes action. It is important to look for ways to show gratitude to your spouse. Say sorry and ask for forgiveness for when you have done something wrong. Do not hold grudges. Allow for times of growth and mess ups, as there will be times like this in a marriage.


https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1989/04/beware-of-pride?lang=eng

Week 7 Just say Yes!

Every year in St. George, they have an event called "The Parade of Homes". My husband loves to go and I hate it. It makes me really hate my house which is ridiculous because I love my house. I love all the dings in the walls, fingerprints found on the windows, footprints on my tile floor, etc. This house is filled with memories of raising our family, and I love that my house is lived in. However, walking through these new homes really makes me wish my house was as spotless as they are or newer. But let's be realistic no house with 5 kids and the rest of the neighborhood running around it in is going to look like a home in the parade of homes.

I tell you how much I hate this show because one year my husband asked me to go. I told him no to this question right in front of my dad. After my dad witnessed this conversation, he pulled me aside and gave me some advice. He told me that whenever my husband asks me to do something with him regardless of what it is, I should say yes. By doing this, I am showing him that his interests are important to me too, and this gives us an opportunity to connect in his way. Ever since that time, I always say yes! My dad was right. I know for a fact my husband does all kinds of things with me that he hates just as much as I hate the Parade of Homes, and he is does them without complaining. And really it isn't about what we are doing together, it just matters that we are spending time together.

Now that I have the attitude of togetherness and look at times like this as opportunities to turn towards my spouse, I always have fun with my him regardless of what we are going . "A tendency to turn towards your spouse is the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion, and as a satisfying sex life" (Gottman, 88) He is teaching me things he is interested in. He loves the Parade of Homes because of the architecture and it never dawns on him that our house isn't as clean or as awesome as these homes. Now as we go, I enjoy learning from him about architecture and listening to his ideas about our "dream" home together. Once I started to focus on the things he enjoys about it, my thoughts changed. It is still not my favorite thing to do, but I enjoy it because he enjoys it, and hanging out with him is my favorite thing to do.

So if there is something your spouse asks you to do, I will give you the same advice as my dad gave me. JUST SAY YES! Turn towards your spouse and find interests in their interests. "One virtue of turning toward each other is that it is so easy to accomplish. "Turning toward" operates under a law of positive feedback" (Gottman, 89). "When you each look for opportunities to support the other’s growth and enjoyment, both of you will be happier, and you will find ways to grow closer" (Beckert)

Beckert, Charles B. (2000, March). The Pitfalls of Parallel Marriages. Ensign. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/study/ensign/2000/03/the-pitfalls-of-parallel-marriage?lang=eng


Gottman, J.M, Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York. Harmony Books.